Just for Now, Quit kicking me under the table!

I remember waking up to the sound of my fathers "sleepy voice" in a hotel on vacation. My mother responding back in her morning voice using it for the first time that morning, since the night before she yells to the bed next to her telling me to stop poking my sister. That is shortly followed by my father going next door and buying cinnamon rolls and donuts.

Sometimes, when I dream I wake up there. In the hotel, hearing my parents sleepy voices deciding who will get the donuts and what time we should leave to go to the zoo or theme park. Its so real, I am so happy there. Then I awaken. Realizing it was all a dream. It was real at one point. But not anymore.

Today I am faced with the decision of allowing my mothers "Fuckbuddy" over for thanksgiving dinner. Is that such a place for him? A place where we are all pretending to be happy with one another, when we all don't approve of eachothers life choices, weight and haircolor but dare not say anything. All of us sitting around the table saying how much they are enjoying the baked beans someone made. Occasionally making fun of Angie for eating her food in a crazy OCD type manner. I shouldn't have to ask not to have my thanksgiving dinner without a side of my moms friends with benefits friend there. But I do. I have a right to as close to a normal dinner as I can have.

Each Christmas I have spent with my mother for the past 5 years, has been at the "Wing on Inn". Atowns nastiest Chinese restaurant. The only restaurant open on Christmas. I am not even sure that when I am ordering Sesame Chicken, its chicken. It looks like the dog someone hit on the way into the parking lot.

When I go shopping all I do is look at every couple, every family. All I can think is I don't deserve this. My father didnt deserve this. I deserve a real family thanksgiving dinner, not a dinner precisely planned around when a specific side of the family will be done, so I can run to the other ones house for a second bad dinner of turkey. ugh. I hate turkey.

All I can do is look at other families and think, what did they do to deserve a loving family? Why isn't that me?

And then I suddenly wake up with tears steaming down my face in that dream, back in the hotel... realizing, it was just a dream.


*Perfect music for my Hopeless speculation: "Just for Now" Imogen Heap.

"But the vibe is wrong, and it haunted me all the way home".

After telling my mother if our house is Sold in two weeks, we still will be living in Atown with my inlaws until March to save up more money for the downpayment, she responds with: Damit! I was really hoping you'd move.
Me: I know, I wish we could move too..have our own place again...
Her: No, I just don't want your dog here anymore.